Hey Warriors!! It’s Melissa and I wanted to give you some insight into what I went through last week. What should have been a great week, did not really turn out that way.
Last week was my 41st birthday. I am not afraid to tell my age or that at the end of December I weighted 290 pounds because those are two things that are part of my journey and story. It is the heaviest I have ever been and I was having all kinds of issues because of my weight and age. I can not change my age but I can change my weight and my health. So at the end of December I decided to do just that. I joined a CrossFit gym, and I am slowing changing the habits that got me to my heaviest. I am an emotional eater and eat all the wrong things and way to much of those wrong things.
So now that you are caught up to my birthday week, lets continue. Last week everything hit and I had defeating workouts on Monday and Wednesday. It was the first time I had felt that defeat since I started at the gym in December. I was also feeling really deprived with what I was eating. I wanted cake and ice cream and all the food I love for my birthday. I knew that would not be a good idea so I fought against it. I also had a bad weigh in. Now yes the scale is not everything but right now for me it is something. On top of all of that, I miss my parents that I lost about 8 yrs ago and I was dealing with grief that snuck up on me.
Grief hit me like a ton of bricks. That grief puts me into a depression that I do not like. For years that grief was so bad that I could not function as a good wife or mother. I honestly thought my family would have been better off without me. It took years to pull myself out of all of that. The one thing Lawrence and I learned is that I have triggers and PTSD from the loss of my parents. My mom passed away from cancer and my dad a heart attack a year and two weeks apart from each other. I did not handle the grief and depression well or even start to deal with all the loss until about 3 years ago. Seeing the triggers helped me start to process things.
Triggers for me come during certain times of the year. From the end of September until just after Christmas, things can get pretty rough mentally. I spent years just struggling and fighting through it. Telling myself I should be over all this by now and that I need to suck it up and push though. It never worked. It was not until least year that I decided to approach things differently. I had to change my thinking. So now I allow myself a day to be sad and down but that’s it. No more than that. Its okay if those days happen few different times in that time period but I can not live in that depression and grief for long periods of time anymore.
Well last week was not a week I expected to be triggered with grief but I was. I did not handle it well at all. Then mix that with everything else last week and I went down hill really quick. I had another realization though. It had been three weeks since I started my health journey. Each and every time I have tried to loss weight about 3 to 4 weeks in I want to quit. I see my family eating what ever they want and I want to do the same thing. I want to taste all the yummy bad food. I want to sleep in and not be sore from workouts. It was my pattern for every other time I started on this journey. It was always at this point I would decide it was okay to be over weight and that the food and satisfaction was way better than all the eating right and working out. But this time, on this journey things were different. I realized I was triggered and that I was unsuccessfully fighting against it.
Triggers come in all shapes and sizes. Some of Lawrence’s triggers are certain smells, times of year, and seeing a certain kind of plane. Mine tend to be time periods, being overly tired and boredom. It can be hard to realize what your triggers are or if you have them. Once your figure out what they are, then you can decide what it is the best way for you to deal with them.
In September, I take that day to deal with that trigger. This week, I push through and concentrated on the plans I have made for my future. I know I have a goal for September 11th, 2021. I can not reach that goal if I let a few bad workouts and grief get in my way. As for feeling deprived, well that is one I am still working on. A Bible study I am doing said to try and change those thoughts of feeling deprived into thoughts of feeling Empowered. It is a hard mindset to change, but I am working on it.
I did not realize that I was being triggered last week with a few different triggers. It is because of those triggers that my week was rough to get though. Now I am watching my emotions a bit more since I have changed things in my life. Just because I can pin point my triggers and try to change them does not mean that it is that simple for everyone. You might not even know what your triggers are and that’s okay. One way to find triggers is by watching your emotions and reactions to situations. When you have a reaction to something that would be out of character for you, really look deep to see what could have caused that reaction. That situation might just be a trigger. Have your family and friends help look for mood and action changes too. They can see what we can not. They can help. I have a Lawrence, a few great friends, and two coaches at the gym to help talk through these things. It makes a big difference.
I really hope me opening up about this struggle can help you or someone you know. My triggers are minor and I know that. Others have triggers that are much worse. If you would like to talk to Lawrence or I please comment here or find us on Facebook or Instagram. Be sure to Like, Comment, Share, and Subscribe!
Exodus 14:13 Do not be afraid, Stand Firm and you will see deliverance the Lord will bring you today.
Thank you
Melissa McGuire
Relentless
Relentless Warrior's Legacy 