Hey Warriors its Melissa here.
April 28th, 2016 is the day we lost our twin baby boys. The last two weeks this event has consumed me. I always dread their birthday because it is a clear reminder of what we lost. I remember things about that day like it was yesterday and other things are just a blur. I found out yesterday that there are some things I did not remember at all. Let me give you a run down of how that day went.
Lawrence and I were very excited to go to the doc that day to hear the heartbeat of what we though was one baby. We got into the room and the doc could not find the heartbeat with the small Doppler so he wanted to do an ultrasound since the baby was way up and in the back of my left side. He figured the baby was still campin out there and was to far back to hear the heart. Walking out of the room the doc asked if I wanted to know what we were having. (We had the genetic testing done because I was older and we wanted to be sure everything thing was good. The results came back fine.) I looked at the doc laughing and said that if it was another boy then don’t tell me. The doc laughed and said yes it was a little boy. We laughed and joked all the way to the ultrasound room. Needless to say we did not expect what was coming.
That laughing mood continued into the ultrasound room and even the tech was laughing. We got started and as I was looking at the screen I saw her going between two spots on my stomach. I looked up at the tech and asked if there were two babies in their. She replied yes. Then I saw her push down on one of the babies and the baby didn’t move. I then said that there was something wrong. Her reply was “yes, I am so sorry but they are both gone,” I remember the horrific look on her and the doctors face and both of them saying they were so sorry. At some point they had told us that the cords were tangled so tight that it cut off the blood supply to both babies. I did not remember that. We did ask if they were in the same sack. They were which also meant they were identical twins.
From there we talked about what needed to happen next. A DNC was not a great option because that could cause a lot of problems. There was no way I could even imagine miscarrying at home. The thought even now still rolls my stomach. So we decided I would be admitted to the hospital and miscarry under the care of a doc and nurses.
All I could do was cry and cry and cry. My heart hurt with the worst pain I had ever felt. The loss of my parents did not come close to this. Lawrence called family and close friends to give them the news. He went to get the boys and I made my way over to the hospital. Walking up to the labor and delivery ward I gave my name and I hear them call for a nurse and that this was a “tender care case”. My heart sank even more.
Once admitted and laying in that hospital bed, I had time to think. I was so overwhelmed with emotions that honestly I did not realize they were going to set me into labor. What I was starting to feel was anger. I was angry at God for taking my babies. I was angry at my body for not carrying these babies. Angry that I was in the situation and that we were going to have to tell the boys that their babies were gone. And of course I cried.
A while later Lawrence got to the hospital with the boys. I insisted that we tell them this news together. Aidan understood what was happening and he cried. Connor was upset. At this point I was not sure if my heart could be anymore broken. Lawrence found a sweet lady to sit with the boys while he was at the hospital with me.
The nurse got the process started and Lawrence and I settled in. A few hours later I felt what I thought was a contraction. No it couldn’t be. But it was. Remember when I said I did not know what was happening. Well I did not realize I was going to go through labor. I guess with being in shock, my mind did not go there. I was HORRIFIED. When my water broke I lost my mind. Finally we were at the point where I was delivering my sweet boys. Once they were out, the two amazing nurses asked me if I wanted to see the boys. Lawrence did not want me to but I had to.
What I should have done was hold the boys. Touched them and loved on them. That’s what I wish deep down in my soul that I had done. Looking at their tiny bodies and knowing they were gone. Longing for them to be strong and healthy. Wanting to hear them cry. Anything to heal my heart a bit but those moments never came. The other thing I should have done was kept the blanket the boys were laying on. Consumed by grief, shock, and worried about Lawrence and his PTSD, my brain could not think.
After everything was said and done, the nurses gave me something to make me sleep and honestly I needed it. When I woke up the next morning, those two sweet nurses had gotten me two teddy bears in remembrance of my boys. I cried again. I was relieved to go home, and I was so so grateful that I had three amazing boys waiting for me when I got there. Thank God for that one.
I have lots of regrets from that day. I still have lots of guilt about the whole situation. There is still a lot of healing to be done. I take things one day at a time. That whole day was traumatizing and now I am left trying to manage and deal with it. The pain is still there and I am not sure it will ever go away.
Happy 5th Heavenly Birthday James Theodore, and Gunner Dean! I miss and love you so much! One day I will hold you again.
Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Melissa McGuire (Relentless)
Relentless Warrior's Legacy 