Hey Warriors, It’s Meliss here.
We are still carrying on with the topic of Faith and Prayer. I hope you have enjoyed this series so far. I know it has really made me think long and hard about these two topics and what role they play in my life. Prayer is easy for me. I have always prayed but Faith, now that is a whole other story. It is a hard story with a lot of hurt along the way. I can say though, that there is joy at the end of that long hard story and that’s what matters. Let me tell you my story of faith and how prayer is just a small part of it.
I grew up in Catholic school and had parents that always went to mass, mainly on Saturday evenings. They tithed and walked through the motions. They both believed in God and that Jesus died for us. From there it got muddy. My mom always struggled to have faith and she did not believe in big things like miracles. To be fair, my mother and father went through a lot and that is why their faith was the way it was. We did not talk about prayer or faith much in our house and at school it was all just a ritual. Motions and words that were tradition and it never showed me a true relationship with God.
Fastforward to around 2005. Lawrence convinced me to go to a Pentecostal church. I was honestly mortified. It was just new and very different from a Catholic mass. Lawrence was very comfortable from the get-go. I was not. The head pastor there was Brother Gene. An amazing, wonderful man and loving pastor. This poor man answered ALL my question about God and the Bible. He gave me the time I needed. With him and the other wonderful people in that church, I took Jesus into my heart. I started to learn and grow my faith. We stayed at that church until Lawrence was sent to Korea and I moved to Ohio to be with family while Lawrence was gone for a year.
My next church taught me how to worship and love God. I still really struggled to have unwavering faith though. Now through all of this I prayed and prayed hard. In the blink of any eye, it did not seem to matter. One of my friends had cancer and at a young age, lost his life. I thought him and his wife would be together forever. Now he was gone and left behind a wife and two young kids. I started questioning everything. Did God exist, was he real? Did God just hate me? Did I do something wrong? I thought because things were wrong in my life and because my friend passed away, that God did not hear or just did not want to answer my prayers for myself.
From there I was lost. I wanted nothing to do with church or God for that matter. Some of the things that rocked my faith was church leadership, my mom passing away, my dad passing away, and losing our twins. My marriage was a mess, and I was so far down in depression that I could not see a way out. Prayers were hard. I was so broken. Finally, we moved to Kentucky and that is where God was, for me at least.
Lawrence and I were still in a really bad place. I was ready for divorce. Completely ready. Lawence started counseling. Now you might ask, “What does your husband’s counseling have to do with Faith and Prayer.” Well, his counselor was a Christian Counselor and wanted to work on repairing our marriage. So, after a switch in churches and going with Lawrence to counseling, I could finally see God and feel him moving. It was in counseling I found out I was dealing with PTSD too, not just Lawrence.
I was a “seeing is believing” kind of person. I could not wrap my mind around having blind, childlike faith. God knew he needed to think outside of the box to reach me. He gave me things like amazing women who taught me and guided me though the Word of God. They let me ask questions, cry, scream, get angry, and grieve. God was also healing my marriage. I would go up to the alter and pray for myself and others. Step by step, my faith was growing.
Our counselor told me to read the book ” The Shake” because of how I struggled with my faith and grief. This book changed my life, faith and relationship with God forever. In this book, God tells the lead character that when all we can see is our pain, that’s when we lose sight of God. That is what I had done. I lost sight of God, because of all my pain and grief. It is because of that, that I lost all my faith in God and what he was doing around me. I thought I was good to go but God knew otherwise.
Sunday May 29, 2021, while at church, God flipped my life upside down. This time for the better. At the altar, God put me on the floor and then took all the anger out of me. It was like nothing I had ever experience. I now know what it is like to love God with all my heart. He meets me where I am at all times and in the way I need it. God has blessed me over and over again. I am finally at the point where believing is seeing. I pray all the time. It is what gives me my hope. I have also found other ways to pray and praise, both have brought me closer to my Father.
Even now I still struggle with PTSD, and depression. My life with God is not perfect. Every time I feel my faith slip, I start praying for God to show up for me. To give me something I can hold onto. It can come in the form of a book, a person, or by being still and listening for God’s voice. I have seen God take away my anger and really help Lawrence with his PTSD. God is now part of my story and I have faith for days. I have been told that I am a prayer warrior and I try to pray about everything in my life.
I hope that reading a bit about my faith journey, it can help yours. Ask yourself a few questions. How is your faith? Do you wish you had more of it? Have you prayed for it? If you are not happy with your answers, then what is your plan to fix it? God is always there. He leaves the 99 for the 1. I could not get through my PTSD and depression without God and his amazing love!!
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Thank you so much for joining me,
Melissa (Relentless)
We Fight This Together
Relentless Warrior's Legacy 