I want to tell you a bit of a story.
Four or five years ago, when Larry and I were still at our worst, we were fighting daily. I was still living in the hurt of his triggers and actions because they kept coming up over and over again — it had become a pattern with him. We were in counseling together, trying to put the communication tools in place as much as we were capable of at the time.
One night we were arguing, and I was so tired of feeling hurt and sad. I left our bedroom and started praying to God. Forgiveness is what kept coming to my mind. God wanted me to find forgiveness for Larry. I kept telling God that Larry hadn’t asked for forgiveness — how was I supposed to give it to him? God told me that forgiveness was for me, not Larry.
When I walked back into our bedroom, Larry started in again. I finally looked at him with tears in my eyes and told him that I forgave him for all the things he would never ask forgiveness for. That there were so many things he had done to hurt me, and he would never understand how much strength it took me to forgive him and say those words.
That kind of forgiveness was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was also the most freeing. I released all the hurt and anger I was carrying for Larry. I was choosing my own peace.
But after that, I set some boundaries with him. I was not going to tolerate angry outbursts at home. If he wouldn’t use the tools we’d been given in counseling, I wasn’t going to have conversations with him in that moment. He had to be present with me and our boys. We set limits around his phone and his time away from home.
While I had forgiven Larry, I did not forget the things that led us to so much trouble in our marriage. We were no longer walking on eggshells for him. I didn’t pretend nothing happened, and I still don’t. I don’t ignore red flags when they come up. If any PTSD symptoms or triggers surface, I tell him right away, before they become a bigger problem.
It has been several years, and I have not removed those boundaries. I won’t. At first, Larry wasn’t receptive to them — but over time, he started looking at things through my eyes.
I hope this glimpse into our lives helps you see the difference between forgiveness and forgetting. Just because you forgive doesn’t mean you have to forget everything that happened. Even in extreme cases of abuse, forgiveness is possible and needed, but strong boundaries have to be kept. Forgiveness is not the same as staying in an abusive relationship — please do not stay if your life is at risk.
Today, ask yourself: is there a boundary you need to set, or one you need to hold onto more firmly? Forgiveness and boundaries can live together — give yourself permission to keep both.
❤️🩵
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Relentless Warrior's Legacy 