Hello Warriors,

Melissa here. I know it has been a while. Life happens. We have been spending lots of time together as a family since our oldest son is in his senior year of high school and will be leaving for college before we know it. I have also been battling a health issue that has put me down and out a lot over the last few months. Today is one of those days though that honestly I need to get my thoughts out of my head and thought that someone could feel the same as I do.

Today is one of those days that most of the time only a mom remembers. It is one that is etched into our brains and something that does not go by without knocking the wind out of us. I am talking about the due date we are given with the expectation that we would be bring a beautiful baby home. But for 1 in 4 pregnancies that does not happen.

October 22nd was suppose to be a wonderful day for our family (well a day close to that date). It was the given due date for our twin boys. We did not get that joy though because I miscarried them and delivered them on April 28th at only 14 weeks old. These boys that we named James Theodore and Gunner Dean were taken before they had a chance to really live or so it seems. I know they are in heaven with my parents and other family loving every bit of attention and love they are getting but that does not mean I don’t miss them with my fiber of my being.

We do celebrate their birthday in April every year but there is no celebration on their actual due date. It is just an empty day with the horrific reminder of the loss we have had. The loss I have had. It is one thing to have lost my parents but the devastating loss of my babies has been a whole other realm of hurt and deep heartache. I can not imagine the pain of losing a child once they have been on this earth because this hurt has been enough for 10 life times.

Today just hurts and takes my breath away. I will say that I have made a lot of progress in grieving the loss of my twins. Working through the day we lost them in April was the best thing that could have happened. Recognizing that today is just one of those days where I have to give myself the grace needed to get through the day and that it is okay to not be okay for a day or two but I can not live in it. That is exactly what I am doing. Giving myself time and grace. I have spent the day on the couch. I have had a headache all day. I took a shower hoping it would make me feel more like myself but I was wrong. So I will continue to process the day and know that it is okay to do that.

I know that this is a pain I will not fully heal from until I am reunited with my babies in heaven. Until then I will what I feel unapologetically and loudly because it is okay to talk about. A lot of women feel ashamed and scared to talk about losing their sweet babies because it is not something that is often talked about. This is a safe space though and I will always talk about my miscarriage and how it has impacted my life.

So to all the women out there who are 1 in 4, I am sorry. I am sorry you did not get to bring home your sweet baby. To all those who lost their babies once they were on this earth, I am sorry. Know that I see you and I hear you. Your pain is not lost and is something you truly feel. A loss is a loss, no matter when that loss happens. Take the time you need to grieve. Give yourself grace and time to process and heal. Be okay with not being okay. And know that you are not alone.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss month. So celebrate your sweet babies and lean on God for strength and comfort. Know that he sees your pain.

Psalm 34:18New International Version

¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

We will be posting again more regularly. Lawrence and I have had a few speaking engagements which have been amazing and we are still doing our monthly meeting. Please see our Facebook page for those dates and times.

Thank you so much for joining me today. I know it is a hard and personal topic to talk about. Please Like, Share, and Comment. Also subscribe so that you will not miss future posts.

Melissa McGuire (Relentless)