Hello Warriors,

Melissa here. I know it has been a while. Life happens. We have been spending lots of time together as a family since our oldest son is in his senior year of high school and will be leaving for college before we know it. I have also been battling a health issue that has put me down and out a lot over the last few months. Today is one of those days though that honestly I need to get my thoughts out of my head and thought that someone could feel the same as I do.

Today is one of those days that most of the time only a mom remembers. It is one that is etched into our brains and something that does not go by without knocking the wind out of us. I am talking about the due date we are given with the expectation that we would be bring a beautiful baby home. But for 1 in 4 pregnancies that does not happen.

October 22nd was suppose to be a wonderful day for our family (well a day close to that date). It was the given due date for our twin boys. We did not get that joy though because I miscarried them and delivered them on April 28th at only 14 weeks old. These boys that we named James Theodore and Gunner Dean were taken before they had a chance to really live or so it seems. I know they are in heaven with my parents and other family loving every bit of attention and love they are getting but that does not mean I don’t miss them with my fiber of my being.

We do celebrate their birthday in April every year but there is no celebration on their actual due date. It is just an empty day with the horrific reminder of the loss we have had. The loss I have had. It is one thing to have lost my parents but the devastating loss of my babies has been a whole other realm of hurt and deep heartache. I can not imagine the pain of losing a child once they have been on this earth because this hurt has been enough for 10 life times.

Today just hurts and takes my breath away. I will say that I have made a lot of progress in grieving the loss of my twins. Working through the day we lost them in April was the best thing that could have happened. Recognizing that today is just one of those days where I have to give myself the grace needed to get through the day and that it is okay to not be okay for a day or two but I can not live in it. That is exactly what I am doing. Giving myself time and grace. I have spent the day on the couch. I have had a headache all day. I took a shower hoping it would make me feel more like myself but I was wrong. So I will continue to process the day and know that it is okay to do that.

I know that this is a pain I will not fully heal from until I am reunited with my babies in heaven. Until then I will what I feel unapologetically and loudly because it is okay to talk about. A lot of women feel ashamed and scared to talk about losing their sweet babies because it is not something that is often talked about. This is a safe space though and I will always talk about my miscarriage and how it has impacted my life.

So to all the women out there who are 1 in 4, I am sorry. I am sorry you did not get to bring home your sweet baby. To all those who lost their babies once they were on this earth, I am sorry. Know that I see you and I hear you. Your pain is not lost and is something you truly feel. A loss is a loss, no matter when that loss happens. Take the time you need to grieve. Give yourself grace and time to process and heal. Be okay with not being okay. And know that you are not alone.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss month. So celebrate your sweet babies and lean on God for strength and comfort. Know that he sees your pain.

Psalm 34:18New International Version

¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

We will be posting again more regularly. Lawrence and I have had a few speaking engagements which have been amazing and we are still doing our monthly meeting. Please see our Facebook page for those dates and times.

Thank you so much for joining me today. I know it is a hard and personal topic to talk about. Please Like, Share, and Comment. Also subscribe so that you will not miss future posts.

Melissa McGuire (Relentless)

Hey Warriors its Melissa here.

April 28th, 2016 is the day we lost our twin baby boys. The last two weeks this event has consumed me. I always dread their birthday because it is a clear reminder of what we lost. I remember things about that day like it was yesterday and other things are just a blur. I found out yesterday that there are some things I did not remember at all. Let me give you a run down of how that day went.

Lawrence and I were very excited to go to the doc that day to hear the heartbeat of what we though was one baby. We got into the room and the doc could not find the heartbeat with the small Doppler so he wanted to do an ultrasound since the baby was way up and in the back of my left side. He figured the baby was still campin out there and was to far back to hear the heart. Walking out of the room the doc asked if I wanted to know what we were having. (We had the genetic testing done because I was older and we wanted to be sure everything thing was good. The results came back fine.) I looked at the doc laughing and said that if it was another boy then don’t tell me. The doc laughed and said yes it was a little boy. We laughed and joked all the way to the ultrasound room. Needless to say we did not expect what was coming.

That laughing mood continued into the ultrasound room and even the tech was laughing. We got started and as I was looking at the screen I saw her going between two spots on my stomach. I looked up at the tech and asked if there were two babies in their. She replied yes. Then I saw her push down on one of the babies and the baby didn’t move. I then said that there was something wrong. Her reply was “yes, I am so sorry but they are both gone,” I remember the horrific look on her and the doctors face and both of them saying they were so sorry. At some point they had told us that the cords were tangled so tight that it cut off the blood supply to both babies. I did not remember that. We did ask if they were in the same sack. They were which also meant they were identical twins.

From there we talked about what needed to happen next. A DNC was not a great option because that could cause a lot of problems. There was no way I could even imagine miscarrying at home. The thought even now still rolls my stomach. So we decided I would be admitted to the hospital and miscarry under the care of a doc and nurses.

All I could do was cry and cry and cry. My heart hurt with the worst pain I had ever felt. The loss of my parents did not come close to this. Lawrence called family and close friends to give them the news. He went to get the boys and I made my way over to the hospital. Walking up to the labor and delivery ward I gave my name and I hear them call for a nurse and that this was a “tender care case”. My heart sank even more.

Once admitted and laying in that hospital bed, I had time to think. I was so overwhelmed with emotions that honestly I did not realize they were going to set me into labor. What I was starting to feel was anger. I was angry at God for taking my babies. I was angry at my body for not carrying these babies. Angry that I was in the situation and that we were going to have to tell the boys that their babies were gone. And of course I cried.

A while later Lawrence got to the hospital with the boys. I insisted that we tell them this news together. Aidan understood what was happening and he cried. Connor was upset. At this point I was not sure if my heart could be anymore broken. Lawrence found a sweet lady to sit with the boys while he was at the hospital with me.

The nurse got the process started and Lawrence and I settled in. A few hours later I felt what I thought was a contraction. No it couldn’t be. But it was. Remember when I said I did not know what was happening. Well I did not realize I was going to go through labor. I guess with being in shock, my mind did not go there. I was HORRIFIED. When my water broke I lost my mind. Finally we were at the point where I was delivering my sweet boys. Once they were out, the two amazing nurses asked me if I wanted to see the boys. Lawrence did not want me to but I had to.

What I should have done was hold the boys. Touched them and loved on them. That’s what I wish deep down in my soul that I had done. Looking at their tiny bodies and knowing they were gone. Longing for them to be strong and healthy. Wanting to hear them cry. Anything to heal my heart a bit but those moments never came. The other thing I should have done was kept the blanket the boys were laying on. Consumed by grief, shock, and worried about Lawrence and his PTSD, my brain could not think.

After everything was said and done, the nurses gave me something to make me sleep and honestly I needed it. When I woke up the next morning, those two sweet nurses had gotten me two teddy bears in remembrance of my boys. I cried again. I was relieved to go home, and I was so so grateful that I had three amazing boys waiting for me when I got there. Thank God for that one.

I have lots of regrets from that day. I still have lots of guilt about the whole situation. There is still a lot of healing to be done. I take things one day at a time. That whole day was traumatizing and now I am left trying to manage and deal with it. The pain is still there and I am not sure it will ever go away.

Happy 5th Heavenly Birthday James Theodore, and Gunner Dean! I miss and love you so much! One day I will hold you again.

Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Melissa McGuire (Relentless)

Hey Warriors,

Melissa here!!

Over the last few weeks in counseling Lawrence and I keep coming back to the topic of grief. Him and I both experience grief in different ways. As we were talking about it the counselor said that someone told him to embrace grief as a friend, not the enemy.

Now this baffled me. I could not imagine or fathom why anyone would want to look at grief as a friend. Grief is something I have always fought against. I fight against the reactions like exhaustion and anger what grief does to me. I fight against the thoughts and pain grief brings up. If it involves grief then I want to stay as far away from it as possible.

How many of you do that with the feelings and emotions you experience? You just bury it and do not deal with it and you dang sure don’t befriend it. You believe all those feelings and emotions are from Satan and none of it could ever be from God.

I think we feel like only the good emotions and feelings are from God. That he only brings joy and happiness. What if that were not the case? What if God gave us things like grief? That is a hard thing to imagine isn’t it. Why would God give us the things that are hard and do not feel good?

Well for one, so that we totally and completely rely on him. (I struggle with this, not because I do not trust God but because I forget to ask for help. Asking for help is something else I suck at) God wants us to bring him all our emotions and feelings. He wants us to tell him the good and the bad. He wants to walk through the happiness and celebrate with us but He also wants to comfort us and help us through the hard times.

The second reason he gives us these emotions and feelings is to help us grow. It is hard to grow when everything is great. When things get hard, is when we see what we can do. Do we live in it or do we move forward one step at a time? (Notice I did not say “See what we are made of”. We all handle things differently and ones strength is not measured by how they handle a situation}

This is where we can began to think about grief being a friend. What does that look like? I did not understand it until today. I saw grief as something that comes and goes just to torment me, but it is not like that at all. Grief comes in when I can handle it. Small waves or even big ones that I can work through and process a little at a time. This week that looked like lots of sleep from being completely exhausted because for the past few weeks I have just ignored my feelings instead of processing them. Pushing them down got me nowhere except for my body coming to a crashing halt, and total frustration about why my body was failing me. I did not walk with Grief as a friend, instead I fought it at every turn till it crushed me.

What are some things that grief can do for you? Hands down it is the one thing that shows you how much you loved the thing that is gone. It does not just have to be the loss of a person. You can grieve an animal, a relationship, a home, it can be anything. There are so many things you can grieve. Those sad or happy feelings grief brings on shows you that you miss what is lost and that is an amazing thing. The other thing grief can do is care for you enough to not give you all the feelings and emotions at once. It lets you process things slowly. Grief also leads you to healing. It gives you all the things to process and move forward. Grief wants you to thrive and not live in the hole of it. Grief walks with you, it does not fight against you.

If you hand a friend that you love so much and that friend showed you that love. That friend is gentle in telling you things. They want the very best for you and would walk though the situation with you. You would say that is a great friend to have around. It is a friendship you would welcome. Grief is that friend.

This can be for any emotion you have. Each has their purpose and that includes PTSD. Instead of fighting against it though, try walking with it one step at a time. The more you fight against it the worse you feel and the more Satan can attack your mind with all the evil things. Ask God for help and ask those around you. Don’t fear things like grief. God did not give us these feelings and emotions to fear but to grow and show his glory.

I hope this helps you today. If you are living with grief, depression, PTSD or all of the above, try walking with it and not fighting against it. It might just be the thing that gives you a whole new outlook on what you are going through and why you are going through it.

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Have a wonderful Day!!

Psalm 34:18 ESV The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Melissa McGuire (Relentless)

Hey Warriors,

Its Melissa here!

First off let me apologize for us not putting out a post last week. We were out of town and then under the weather and exhausted. Thank you for your understanding!!

Today I want to talk about new beginnings. That topic has been on my mind a lot the last few days. Easter is right around the corner and with that comes the biggest new beginning in history with the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. He gave us an eternal new beginning by dying for us on the cross and saving us all from our sins. What I want to talk to you about though is how new beginnings can happen from day to day.

My ultimate goal in life is to just be better tomorrow than I was today. Seems simple right! In reality it is not. When you are dealing with things like depression and PTSD, finding a new beginning can be extremely hard. Day to day life with PTSD can be difficult and things can go wrong a lot. Those to deep into the depression or PTSD may not be able to see that tomorrow is a new day.

This past week depression hit me pretty bad along with feeling under the weather. This caused me to feel sad all the time, snappy with Lawrence and our boys, sleeping a lot, and not doing basic tasks each day. I knew I was depressed but was struggling to pull out of it. My trigger is periods of time like the anniversary of deaths and birthdays. My mom’s birthday is coming up and so is the birthday of our twin boys that we lost. The depressing feelings is my bodies way of reminding me that the grief is still here and that I have to deal and manage it as best I can.

One of the first things I tell myself is that tomorrow is a new day. I can always start over tomorrow and make it better than the day before. This might just mean I get a shower or cook dinner in that day. It means that even if I slip up and get angry or cry, that I do not have to do that same thing the next day. I can make that next day better by giving myself some grace and knowing that I do not have to live in that depression for long periods of time. I make the conscious choice to make the next day better.

Sometimes one day at a time is all we can do. We can take it one hour at a time or minute at a time if we have to. Its okay also if that next day does not go as planned because you still have another chance and day to make things better. Its all about the choice you make. Jesus chose to die for us to give us a new beginning. He gave us that choice and we should do all we can to make sure we make the best choices possible.

Thank you for joining us today. Please Like, Share, Comment, and Subscribe!! Also find more inspiration and support on Instagram and Facebook under Relentless Warriors Legacy.

John 3:16-17 ESV “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

Melissa McGuire ( Relentless)

A while back I heard a story that goes like this, An old man told his grandson, “My son, there is an endless battle that goes on inside all of us. It is between two wolves. One wolf is bad – he is anger, envy, regret, greed, arrogance, resentment, lies, superiority and ego. The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old man answered, “The one you feed.”

I have found this story to ring true throughout my life. These last couple of weeks I have been feeding the bad wolf. Relentless and I were at a therapy session (yes we go to counseling and yes it has helped our marriage tremendously). I had a breakthrough and I was able to realize that I have been feeding the bad wolf. I was able to that that being in “good place” or being in a “bad place” is up to your-self. It is a choice that you make. If you are watching shows, movies, listening to music or playing games that are negative, there is a very good chance that you are going to reflect negativity., If you allow positive things in you will reflect will be more positive.

I heard another story the other day. It was it is easy to see red trucks, if you are looking for a red truck. It is easy to evil things happening in the world if you are looking for evil things. If you are always looking for evil things to happen, you will miss the good things that may be happening right in front of your face. When I fall into my dark places, I realized that all I focus on is the bad things and completely overlook all the good things. What I choose to allow into my life is is what I project out.

I know this sounds so simple and easy, but let me tell you, it isn’t. So if you are ever in this position, understand you are not alone. This is a common thing, but a lot of people don’t realize it. A person can’t fix something if they don’y know there is a problem. This will become easier the more you pay attention to it, and the more you work on it. You will probably have setbacks, but understand that it is okay. It may take a little more effort on your part, but in the long run it is worth it.

One other thing I have realized over the years as well is that my attitude changes a lot depending the people I am around. If I am around negative people during the day, I tend be agitated when I get home. Try to be aware of who you are around. If you have to be around negative people during the day, try to stop off somewhere before you go home. Stop and listen to some water running in a creek, or watch the trees blow in the wind before you go home. You will be surprised at just how much better you will feel, if you take 5-10 minutes for relax and take a few calming breathes before you go home. (This is time the good wolf is able to be fed)

I hope this is able to help someone out there, I feel this message was meant for me to write.

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God Bless.

Watch Dog